Building Better Relationships for Better Health with Susie Miller

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In this episode of The Functional Medicine Radio Show, Dr. Carri’s special guest Susie Miller, known internationally as The Better Relationship Coach, explains how you can create better relationships in 30 days or less, even if you’re the only one who is making the effort!

As a therapist turned coach, Susie equips high potential entrepreneurs and executives to reduce stress, improve communication, increase intimacy, and not bankrupt their relationships in pursuit of profits and success. She believes “relationships are the currency of today” so creating better ones is vital to success in all areas of life. Susie is the bestselling author of Listen, Learn, Love: How to Dramatically Improve Your Relationships in 30 Days or Less!

Main Questions Asked:

When somebody wants or needs to make a 180 degree change for health reasons and they’re not getting support from their family what can they do?
Can you talk about each of the three skills – listen, learn and love?
What is one action step our listeners can do TODAY to see improvements in their relationships?

Key Points Made by Susie:

Getting support from family members: one of the biggest things is how are we selling it? We’re all selling all the time. The first place I would look at is the Why. What’s in it for them? If they have a reason that is beneficial to them I got more help and support.
Putting it in the framework of what benefits them for their support. People will do something with the “What’s in it for me?” Also, vice versa, what’s the loss if they don’t support you? People respond well to pain. Pain is a big motivator.
If your child won’t help with tasks, instill natural consequences. Nothing will get your kid moving faster than when it affects them. When it becomes personal to them, it suddenly becomes important to them.
We don’t get change if we’re always rescuing.
It’s like a shock because no kid believes his mom is ever going to follow through. Stick to your guns.
With a spouse, it’s similar but with less leverage. Instead of consequences, have ramifications with the spouse.
Stand your ground with your spouse versus letting them sway you.
It’s the idea of “I’m not going to sacrifice what’s important to me even if you’re going to be unhappy.”
With a spouse it’s really important to remember that it might be really uncomfortable and tense but what’s the greater reason? What’s the greater good? You can’t put a price on your health.
It’s willingness to be uncomfortable and let there be tension when you know what you’re doing is right.
If family members want to eat some junk food, let them but set certain times and places for it. I like peanut m&ms so I had my husband take them to work so I wouldn’t be tempted.
Wisdom in relationship with yourself and others is knowing what our limitations are. I have a really strong will in a lot of arenas, I don’t need to exercise it where it’s extra hard.
The willingness to say no and really be comfortable in that yuck of “this isn’t fun”.
There are some places where self-care means being uncomfortable.
Sometimes extreme measures are the best thing you can do.
A lot of times when I work with clients and couples, if they’re not being taken seriously, they have a part of that. We don’t like to take responsibility for that but it is true.
There was a client I worked with once that had some teenage boys who didn’t help around the house. And one day she said “I’m just tired of being/feeling like a doormat.” I looked at her and said “Then get up off the floor.” She did not like that I said that but it was this idea of as long as you continue to let them treat you that way, they will treat you that way. So, if they don’t do the dishes, and you do them, what have you taught them? If I outwait mom, she’ll take care of it.
There used to be this book called Miss Piggle-Wiggle. It’s almost prescribing the disease is the cure. So for picky eaters, she would say “Fine, let them eat that one thing.” It would almost cure itself. It’s a fiction book but this idea of the kids who never want to go to bed, okay, stay up late but all the consequences that come with that, all the natural ramifications, you have to let it come to bear out.
If you’re sick, take care of yourself and let the chips fall. Do everything you can to put yourself first because if you’re well, it will help your relationships. Eventually they’ll see the light and if they don’t, you have a whole other issue on your hands.
We teach people how to treat us.
The skills listen, learn and love sound really simple. We all think we listen well, learn is a fun one and love. I broke these down into practical steps. I’ll give you one for each of them.
Listen: Most people would say they listen, but we have to think about how we listen. When you’re listening, pause and pay attention to what is being said both verbally and non-verbally versus working on what you want to say either in rebuttle or response. People are often unaware that they’re not listening until they take time and go “What is this person really saying?” not “What do I want to say back?”
Learn: It’s really about learning the below-the-surface things about people. What is it that you can learn about them?
Love: Loving well means that we’re willing to love sacrificially. We’re willing to have a big picture. If I change, I will get better and that will help them long-term but a lot of times we don’t have the big picture for the moment-to-moment of daily life.
Try to validate and clarify when somebody shares something with you. Sometimes we miss the moment to let them feel really heard. It is uncomfortable to feel sad that you hurt them but if we can live in that moment.
It’s okay to be uncomfortable in relationships.